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If in sorrow, consult ? and take a break
January 29, 2012, 06:20
Filed under: Uncategorized

Term has begun!!!!! Which makes me an unhappy person, because education in university is bundled with its fair share of mandatory social situations in unfamiliar environments (and with it being mandatory there’s no way you can cheerfully decline and have a ball at home instead chowing down unhealthy snacks). And it gets harder every time because with each passing year my familiar territory shrinks and I lose a bit more valuable knowledge of how to interact with people.

Back when I was severely disliking myself, I would pep myself up on how to behave outside, e.g. “smile more”, “be more involved! ENERGY!”, “don’t over-analyse things”, etc and even incarnate made-up roles such as Iron Maiden and Fluid Jackson. Maybe I’ll be a successful Fluid Jackson for the first 5 min that I step out of my house, but as you might expect it never quite pans out well if you’re planning to transmute into someone you’re not.

So I gave up (i.e. obligatory self-acceptance) and reached this current state of limbo. It’s been long so I wonder, is it ever possible for a bumbling, speech-deficient person on the extreme extreme end of introversion (and mental stupor) to make something good out of life? Life involves society, so it’s not possible to forever burrow into ideal inner kingdoms and play kid / passive observer to the outside. In movies, quiet and self-conscious characters are often endearing and get by admirably in their lives, which gives me tinny hope, but let’s not forget that my life stretches out a little longer than a movie, and nothing ever gets mercifully edited out like in reel life (not the agonizing lulls of conversation, nor unsavoury bits like repeated missteps and periodic cloudy episodes).

I guess everyone’ll need to find a coping mechanism for the portions that don’t get edited out, and I’ve been reflecting on my options. One of them is to stop speaking – like Elisabet did in Persona. I always find myself unable to respond in kind to enthusiastically-delivered news (like the girls in ANTM can do so well, or practically anyone), and am king at shooting a topic down with unbelievably well-timed awkward remarks and mood dampeners. Also, social talk comprises of too many things I don’t mean, at all, which are uttered just for the sake of saying something (I lay claim to the title of no substance talk). If someone criticizes ABCDEF, I am liable to follow suit even if I have no feelings towards said person / thing. Not a big deal, I guess, but isn’t it better to have just a pair of listening ears and no exasperating mouth to interfere?

But then again, forsaking voice is too heavy a price to pay as I won’t able to sing along to my favourite songs anymore and, say, call someone “PIG!” when I feel like it. Never mind, back to the drawing board…..tomorrow, after this brain gets remunerated for contributing so many words to this puny blog at such an unearthly hour.

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“I was blessed with the inability to grow up and adapt to this society.”
— Craig Junjulas

Comment by lyd




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