Back when I was severely disliking myself, I would pep myself up on how to behave outside, e.g. “smile more”, “be more involved! ENERGY!”, “don’t over-analyse things”, etc and even incarnate made-up roles such as Iron Maiden and Fluid Jackson. Maybe I’ll be a successful Fluid Jackson for the first 5 min that I step out of my house, but as you might expect it never quite pans out well if you’re planning to transmute into someone you’re not.

So I gave up (i.e. obligatory self-acceptance) and reached this current state of limbo. It’s been long so I wonder, is it ever possible for a bumbling, speech-deficient person on the extreme extreme end of introversion (and mental stupor) to make something good out of life? Life involves society, so it’s not possible to forever burrow into ideal inner kingdoms and play kid / passive observer to the outside. Quiet and self-conscious characters in movies are often endearing and get by admirably in their lives, which gives me tinny hope, but let’s not forget that my life stretches out a little longer than a movie, and nothing ever gets mercifully edited out (not the agonizing lulls of conversation, nor unsavoury bits like repeated missteps and periodic cloudy episodes).

I guess everyone’ll need to find a coping mechanism for the portions that don’t get edited out, and I’ve been reflecting on my options. One of them is to stop speaking – like Elisabet did in Persona. I always find myself unable to respond in kind to enthusiastically-delivered news, and am king at shooting a topic down with unbelievably well-timed awkward remarks and mood dampeners. Also, social talk comprises of too many things I don’t mean, at all, and are uttered just for the sake of saying something (I lay claim to the title of no substance talk). If someone criticizes ABCDEF, I am liable to follow suit even if I have no feelings towards said person / thing. Not a big deal, I guess, but isn’t it better to have just a pair of listening ears and no exasperating mouth to interfere?

But then again, forsaking voice is too heavy a price to pay as I won’t able to sing along to my favourite songs anymore and, say, call someone “PIG!” when I feel like it. Never mind, back to the drawing board…..tomorrow, after this brain gets refreshed as remuneration for contributing so many words to this puny blog at such an unearthly hour.

I get up when I want except on Wednesdays
When I get rudely awakened by the dustmen
(Parklife)
I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea
And I think about leaving the house
(Parklife)

I feed the pigeons I sometimes feed the sparrows too
It gives me a sense of enormous well-being
(Parklife)
And then I’m happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge
There will always be a bit of my heart devoted to it

~

Happy CNY everyone! Last year I was plotting to worm my way out of the festivities of subsequent New Years, but now I’m actually looking forward to the extended family get-together (slightly) and jars of bak kwa (very much)

I think I’d been terribly prejudiced against popular Chinese music in the past. My impression of it was: an industry populated by prepackaged idols who can’t sing and commercial love songs that are rehashed over and over. But the more I listen to Mandopop, the more I find an incredibly diverse crop of good voices and interesting personalities that I have missed out before. And, top-notch albums like this one.

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林宥嘉 / 美妙生活

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Unlike albums that string a number of random songs together, Yoga’s records are usually furnished with a strong concept. Everything from the MVs to the musical direction to the lyrics to the album cover is splendidly designed, and holds together as one. I was first drawn to his songs by the MVs, here’s a taste!

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Based on the story of 一个人先生 and 没有人先生:

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Biting lyrics! Yoga’s deadpan voice is perfect for this song.

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Also, I really appreciate the thought behind the order of tracks. The songs in Perfect Life span an entire day cycle – from 自然醒 to 早开的晚霞 and finally, 晚安, which replaces the cynicism of title track 美妙生活 with a closing note of optimism. Through all this, Yoga emerges as an excellent storyteller; someone who’s not merely intoning words but providing a different emotional perspective with each song.

(Sidetrack >>> I just read an online review comparing Yoga’s circumstance as an artiste to fellow pop singers under major labels. It’s really difficult for opinionated artistes to assert the kind of music they want for themselves over company interests, so most end up having to make compromises. But at the same time a record label’s vast resources give individuals the opportunity to link up with the best lyricists and songwriters and production team around, amalgamating talents in every field to deliver an album as good as Perfect Life.)

Ok enough rambling from me! 3 other well-made MVs to end this off:

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My life ambition….. is to unearth my fairy godmother who would whisk me off to the life of a cat. (A roadside kitty!)

Once that is done, I would be able to nap my days away, examine the bottoms of cars, and spend lazy afternoons watching people amble by. Best of all! No more undone assignments hot on my heels (now I can’t even read a manga in peace without being run over by guilt +_+)

However, due to the stunning inadequacies of GIF-unfriendly WordPress, 3 out of 4 are now caught in a petrified pose. (Click to free ‘em!)

And look who we have here today ! ! !

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I think I’ve lost a little something important but dunno what it is… Okay. Off!

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Someone give this man a proper burial please!

I liked him enough when he was just a mean-spirited, surly drawler who took pleasure in making Potter’s life in Potions class miserable, but now… this is heartbreaking.

[SPOILER]

In his life, Snape could only look on as his childhood / life-long love dated and eventually married the obnoxious tyrannizing jerk by whom he was regularly bullied (what’s up Lily???!); was not the instigator of things but really just a (willing) pawn in Dumbledore’s elaborate plans to take down Voldemort; shouldered the despicable crime of murdering a Hogwarts headmaster till the day he died; and finally, was killed in cold blood by Voldemort not because he was discovered as a traitor, but because the old guy wanted ownership of a BLOODY WAND.

….And through these years of being misunderstood and hated by everyone, the only thing Snape ever did in kind was to make Potter’s life in Potions class miserable! How’s that for dedication?

SECTION ONE

All the clothes that I put to wash recently have returned with drastic makeovers. White shirt is now drenched in yellow, stripes of pullover have found new company in island-shaped brown blotches….etc. I might have clawed my eyes and eyebrows out in response back then, but now I can look at these clothes with a twinge of regret and think, the shirt sure looked better in white but yellow isn’t too bad either. New design.

I guess it’s goodbye then, tantrum whippersnapper! I had been wallowing in all sorts of things in the past, gone down many slippery slopes, well it took me long to realise that things are much better when you learn to let go! I hate how cornpokey this sounds, but yea, giving up and losing hope isn’t too bad a thing. Everything’s blank but the void isn’t scary, or bleak, as you might expect it to be.

Take away the ambitions and you get more leg room for now. I feel cheerful! Living in a cave as always, but it is now padded with the comfiest plush, salmon pink, and inhabited by creatures strange and wild. Fortified walls, no longer vulnerable to all the self-isms that used to make me depressed.

For the first time in my life (minus the carefree era when nothing weighed on my mind), I am happy to be me, and have no desire to be in any place other than here.
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SECTION TWO

Wanted to gush about my new night-time obsession Plants v.s. Zombies, but I am tired! My plants may be winning in the game but after consecutive nights/mornings of PvZ, PvZ, all my brain (grey slushy thing up there) has gone down the throats of these zombies! I suspect most of it went to the zombie with a metal bucket helmet, he is a toughie.

Okay, good night! This is my zombie avatar :-)
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Young Chan Ho Nam’s rite of passage.

I love this song – together with the MV, it stirs in me overwhelming pride and sympathy for the boy. What Tse lacks in vocal skill he makes up for with raw emotional power!

It wasn’t too long ago (well maybe it was) when the top of cabinets was an entire cosmos away, only reachable by piggybacking on broad shoulders, while the floor was my best friend. Back then, every long-legged creepy crawlie that gamboled past my feet were larger than life and very frightening. Now, we are the giants who squish-squash without notice!

Speaking of which, our family had a showdown with a rat just now! It (supposedly) dived under the refrigerator, but there we were, preparing to strike with our broomsticks and other lethal weapons, but no rat ever came out. Moving the fridge yielded no rat either. Wonder where it went?